Page 3 of 7 FirstFirst 12345 ... LastLast
Results 31 to 45 of 101

Thread: Joke thread

  1. #31
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Posts
    2
    A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole whose selling point was that it was on top of the largest skyscraper in town.

    Another man walks in and asks the bartender for a Jack Daniel's. He downs it, and then takes a running leap out the window.

    Much to everybody's surprise, he floats back up and climbs through the window back into the bar.

    The man at the bar is amazed and asks the man how he did it.

    "Easy," says the man. "Outside this window are some very strong wind currents which can carry you back to the window."

    "Wow," says the man at the bar. "I gotta try this." He takes a running leap out the window and falls to a horrible, bloody, and flat death.

    "Geez, Superman," says the bartender. "You can be a real a jerk when you're drunk."

  2. #32
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Posts
    2
    Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.

    But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."

    The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.

    The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

    So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.

    And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.

    The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'

    The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "

    The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.

    " No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

    Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"

  3. #33
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Posts
    1
    nice joks ya

  4. #34
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Posts
    1
    A blonde, brunette, and redhead went to a church to donate money. The brunette draws a circle around her and throws up all her money.

    She says that whatever lands inside the circle is for God, and whatever lands outside of the circle she keeps.

    The redhead then draws a line, stands on it, and throws up all of her money. She said that whatever lands on the right side of the line is for God, and whatever lands on the left side she keeps.

    The blonde throws up her money, and yells,"God, whatever you catch is yours, and whatever you don't I get to keep."

  5. #35
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Posts
    2
    Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their
    various disorders.

    "I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "But I guess it is impossible."

    "I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months."

    "You must tell me what you did."

    "I went to a faith healer."

    "But I've tried that. My husband and I
    went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."

    The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time, dearie."

  6. #36
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Posts
    2
    A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

    The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.

    When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

  7. #37
    Registered User AlexJ's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Location
    London
    Posts
    6
    Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

  8. #38
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Posts
    2
    Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.

    The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."

    The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."

    The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."

    She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler."

    "How so?"

    "He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."

  9. #39
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Posts
    5
    After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
    When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
    painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years
    they had been married.

    On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness,
    feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs
    she had endured.

    Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist
    got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he
    embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched
    -with a raised eyebrow.

    The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
    The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'this is what your wife
    needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?'
    'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I golf.'

    phone number lookup
    Last edited by sinchan; 02-06-2012 at 02:11 AM.

  10. #40
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Posts
    2
    A blonde, brunette and a redhead run to the top of a burning building. Below, a few firefighters are holding a blanket telling the redhead to jump.

    When the redhead jumps the firefighters snatch the blanket away and she hits the concrete.

    When the firefighters ask the brunette to jump she jumps and again they pull the blanket away.

    When the firefighters ask the blonde to jump she replies, "I don't trust you, so just put the blanket down and back away."

  11. #41
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Posts
    2
    Dear Agony Aunt
    Dear Editor,

    I have two brothers, one works at Microsoft, the other was sentenced to death in the gas chamber.

    My mother died of insanity when I was three years old, my two sisters are prostitutes and my father sells drugs.

    Recently, I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served time for smothering her illegitimate child to death.

    I love this girl very much and want to marry her.

    My problem is this:

    Shall I tell her about my brother who works at Microsoft?

    Sincerely,
    Larry

  12. #42
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Posts
    42
    Three blondes died and are at the Pearly Gates of Heaven.
    St. Peter tells them they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple little question.
    St. Peter asks the first blonde, “What is Easter?”
    The blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy. It’s the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey and gives thanks.”
    _________________
    Hair Hanger

  13. #43
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    3
    Last Day on the Job
    It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

    When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

    At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

    The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

    At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

    She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

    When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

    When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

    As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

    "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

    He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."

    The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

  14. #44
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Posts
    2
    A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

    The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

    Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

    As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

  15. #45
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Posts
    1
    Jealous Revenge
    A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.

    Well, the blonde is angry, She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

    The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blond replies "Shut up, you're next."

Page 3 of 7 FirstFirst 12345 ... LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  

  Find Web Hosting      
  Shared Web Hosting UNIX & Linux Web Hosting Windows Web Hosting Adult Web Hosting
  ASP ASP.NET Web Hosting Reseller Web Hosting VPS Web Hosting Managed Web Hosting
  Cloud Web Hosting Dedicated Server E-commerce Web Hosting Cheap Web Hosting


Premium Partners:



Visit forums.thewebhostbiz.com: to discuss the web hosting business, buy and sell websites and domain names, and discuss current web hosting tools and software.